Elf: Part 2

Is the movie done yet?

So James Caan has a cunning plan to dispose of his son, uh I mean keep his son busy while he works. So he sends him down to the mail room. Okay. Why not. So he gets down there and mistakes bourbon for syrup, and proceeds to have a deep out of body conversation with one of the workers. Cause I guess bourbon makes you high as a kite. You know I tried bourbon once, it tasted like a bar of soap and it was the most horrible thing I ever drank. Speaking of which there's a magic potion that if you drink it you forget about this movie. It's called cyanide. Just screw it, you know. Why try? Why am I talking about this movie? Well cause I need to assassinate it that's why. But what do I care, my life is a lie. What was I talking about? Oh right, so Zooey kisses Buddy and I screamed at my television for a few seconds, I think I blacked out cause I opened my eyes and Peter Dinklage was standing before me (Peter Dinklage whyyyyy???). He's my hero in this movie, he's intelligent, knows what he needs and can do, and beats Buddy the elf. You know I never watched Game Of Thrones but if there's a scene where Peter Dinklage shanks somebody I wish he did the same to Buddy. So we have our big tiff between father and son, cue the mopey dopey sad times music, move along! I got stuff to do, I got places to be, I have dreams and aspirations but here I am. Talking about Elf. Ffffffun. James Caan then throws a pitch meeting, and I'd pay so much money to see Kathy Bates whack fools in the ankles with a sledgehammer right now, and the decision soon comes up: Actually do your job and not risk putting your family into poverty or help find the person you hated and knowed of for only a handful of days and reconcile with him? Yeah I'd wander around the streets of New York City aimlessly too in literal freezing temperatures. Plot twist, I wouldn't. So miracle of miracles, coincidence of coinkydinks, Santa crashes in Central Park and Buddy quickly finds him. I don't know how to feel about the fact that Santa was about to whack Buddy with a tire iron, and I don't mean hit I mean sleeping with the fishes kind of whack, but he quickly employs his help to find the engine for the sleigh. Cause apparently in this bullshit f***ery universe the reindeer don't fly due to a badass warlock named Winter, but simply on Christmas spirit so Buddy finds his dad and brother who just so happened to come across the engine minutes after Santa smashed down, well thank the baby Jesus for that, and they return the engine back to the sleigh before the Nazgul, I mean Central Park Rangers can get them. Seriously all I heard was the Ringwraith theme when they were on screen. Now that would be cool, "Give up the engine half-elf." "If you want it, come and claim it." , and then they stab him with a Morgul blade and they all lived happily ever after. PS. Shame on you movie for your clear and misleading factual information, for the Central Park Rangers never stepped in to the Simon and Garfunkel concert it was a peaceful and great event which you should definitely check out, and the little fact that it didn't happen in 1985! It happened in 1981! You had Wikipedia in 2003, use it! Got to move on, we're so close, oh my God we're so fricking close. So Daniel steals Santa's list to jumpstart some Christmas spirit, even though Santa himself says that Christmas spirit is about believing and not seeing, which is automatically proven wrong as he reads the list on live television news. At least Polar Express got it right. Oh sweet Christ on the cross I forgot about this, the best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear. I could argue that for the next millenia, and while I do enjoy Zooey's singing in that earlier scene this is way too corny and schmultzy for me. I mean really? She stands on a horse carriage and sings Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town and everyone slowly joins in, not only in the crowd but everyone who is watching it on TV. Thanks, I hate it! But it works, hurrah, and Santa goes off to I guess deliver more toys with Buddy tagging along and leaving all those people most important to him to live on without him. Because that makes sense. And they never saw each other again, the end. Hey wait....they stole Santa's stuff! Yeah, Daniel steals the list, James Cann steals his coat and hat in the most feeble attempt at subterfuge in human history, and he never gets them back! That poor man is going to freeze to death in the winter air. Congratulations, you killed Christmas you f***ing utter disappointment. This is the worst movie I've ever seen in my life. It's worse than The Room, it's worse than Fifty Shades Of Grey, Transformers 2, Expendables 3, Battlefield Earth, and all the Twilight movies. Yes it has little touches here and there that I don't honestly mind and kind of like, but when you stack them up it's like a gnat's wing compared to an obelisk of garbage. The performances are fine, but the story and script is what makes this movie so heinously anus, it doesn't look all that nice, the attempts at comedy are nonexistent in my eyes, and it is god awful. It's one of the worst films I have ever had the displeasure of seeing, I never want to see this movie again for as long as I live. It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You get nothing! You lose! Goodnight! 1/10, half a star, if I could give less I would.

Elf: Part 1

Death is better. Death is at least a charming figure that I could have tea with. There is no such enjoyment in Elf.

I hated this movie! Hated, hated, hated, hated, hated this movie! Hated it! Hated every simpering, stupid, vacant, intelligence-insulting moment of it! Where do I begin with this blight upon my life? You know...there was a time when I was young, innocent, and wholesome and I kind of liked Elf. But as time passed and I was subjected to endless viewings of it during the holiday season at school because there's clearly no Christmas classics at all, there is only Elf, screw A Miracle On 34th Street, screw Home Alone, screw Polar Express, screw A Christmas Story, or Die Hard, or It's A Wonderful Life. Actually f*** that movie. But my point is it got old, and it got old fast. This movie is over 15 years old and it has been haunting my holiday season for too long. I do not recommend this movie. I do not urge anybody to ever watch it. I do not feel happiness in my soul. I could end the review right here, but I'm really just getting started. The title seems like the most boring ass, unimaginative title in motion picture history. The Room is weird, but the movie mostly takes place in one room, it makes sense. Elf. Elf? I mean you only said the word 5,020 times in the course of 90 minutes so might as well call the movie that. I think there's actually a horror movie called Elves, I'd much rather watch that. Okay I seriously got to go through this movie point by point, beginning to end cause I just can't summarize how ungodly bad this movie is. Now I will be clear, I will not lie, I will not exaggerate, I will not even twist my words and simply tell you how I felt watching this movie. And here we go! I will say the opening credits are not a half bad recreation of the Rankin & Bass Rudolph special but the music couldn't be more bland and forgetful if it tried. We're told through the most superflous and unreliable narrator played by Bob Newhart (Just why Bob?) the story of a baby that lives in an orphanage and after Santa visits with weird creepy ass music playing. Pause. What is with this trend? Have you ever noticed in live action movies where Santa is an actual real figure and when he first appears the music gets all ominous and creepy? What the f*** is that? Shouldn't it be a joyous occasion that we see Santa Claus? Are you deliberately trying to scare children? This happens way too often and I'm sick of it. Resume. So the baby somehow breaks out of his crib and crawls into Santa's bag of toys and is never discovered or noticed until he crawls out of the damn thing when they're back in the North Pole. And instead of returning the baby, or Santa willingly and lovingly adopt him as the heir to the Claus legacy, he shoves it off on his slave labor who are happily brainwashed into endlessly working without compensation for him for several centuries, to raise the boy. They then give him a name found on the very diaper he wears which is Buddy, and so ensues a montage of Buddy growing up in the care of Bob Newhart until he becomes a fully grown Will Ferrell fresh from SNL. He's not a very good elf, and never questions why he's 4 times the size of every individual save for Santa and a snowman in this town, and I guess there's no color or festive decorations in the North Pole because every single building looks like the house from The friggin' Babadook. It's all cold and miserable gray. Because that is clearly what I think of when I think of where Santa lives. In fact the only color really is the elf's costumes, even outside it's just 90% white and I feel like I'm going blind while looking at it. Also I see you fake trees on your clearly plastic stands. You couldn't cover that shit up? Ugh, anyway. Pretty soon Buddy overhears someone spill the beans about his species and for some weird reason sets out on a mission to find his dad. Hwhat?? When did this happen? He finds out, freaks out, Bob tells him the backstory of how he came to be, then he starts talking to Santa about New York City and how his dad is on the naughty list which is just hammered home in case you didn't get it with James Caan turning down a nun for wanting books for apparently orphans. Why not just have him steal candy from a baby and kick a blind man's dog, I don't think we got the picture!! Urgh moving on, so I guess he's going to find his dad because he needs closure? He wants to meet him? Wants to redeem him perhaps? I have no clue. At this point I hit the alcohol but unfortunately I was almost out of milk so I only had four white russians. Anyway, so he meets the snowman from Rudolph who I have to admit doesn't do a bad impression of Burl Ives before leaving the North Pole. And I absolutely die of laughter when the little stop motion animals start crying when he leaves, I know that probably makes me Satan's most treasured follower or whatever but I don't care, it's hilarious! We're then treated to another montage that I'm sure you could start a drinking game for, trust me you'll need it, as Buddy makes his way to New York City. And instead of dying from exposure or contracting rabies from a trash panda, he makes it to the big city. I will also say the film doesn't have a bad soundtrack, oh not the Christmas songs those are still horrible, but just other music they use is quite nice really. Cue another montage of him wandering around New York City, got to pad that run time Johnny! At least he gets hit by a car, that kinda made me laugh. He soon finds his dad and how can I say this? Uncomfortable doesn't really cover the way I felt in these scenes, more like and I'm probably only going to say this once but I cringed quite a lot in this movie. It was very difficult for me to look at the screen for periods of time. No movie has ever done this. I could review Salo tomorrow and have an easier time watching that. What happens next? Uh, James Cann tells him to f*** off, he goes to Gimbels cause why not go sell out a department store like Miracle On 34th Street (The only part I didn't like about that movie.), he meets Zooey Deschanel (Why Zooey?) and acts like a weirdo that you should cross the street to avoid, stays up all night to decorate I guess a Christmas shop in preparation for "Santa", creeps on a girl singing in the shower (I hate the scene, but love the singing.), I encounter another cringey scene with his dad that makes me contemplate quitting reviews forever, and we finally meet "Santa". I legitimately feared for a child's life, this guy was psychotic and very aggressive. Kill this movie with fire. Buddy gets thrown in prison and somehow does not become a bottom bitch, and is picked up by Caan and gets a DNA test done. The results are in, in the case of 30 year old Buddy, you ARE the father! Will give credit to the little girl in the waiting room, she is adorable and I would die for her. I don't even care that she is in this movie, I'd guard her with my life. We soon meet James Caan's family with Mary Steenburgen as his wife (Mary whyy??) and Daniel Tay as his second son and he attempts to integrate with the family but with soul crushing failure and will have to wander the wilderness and die. Oh wait. That's my nature documentary script, sorry about that. They accept him cause of course they do. Even I was surprised at the goodness that was spaghetti and syrup though, like you get half a point just for that movie, even though how does he not get the diabeetus from all that crap? So what's the story at this point? Reconnect with a family he never knew and by the looks of it has barely began since Daniel Tay is like, nine in this movie. There's no plot or drama, there's nothing to be invested in, I'm just watching a grown man in tights bullshit about with no entertainment in sight. Great. Happy Christmas to me. Apparently Mayor Ebert from that asshat Roland Emmerich's Godzilla is in this movie, now that's a stamp of quality if I've ever seen one. Back to the story. So Buddy and Daniel lolligag about and I'm concerned no one's pointing out how strange it is that a grown man in an elf costume is with a young boy, so I guess bad touch goes on the list of things that don't exist in this movie. He asks Zooey out on a date and for reasons even the celestial beings don't know, she accepts. Montage! I can't remember how many pills I took at this point. Who's mucking with my fedicine??

Continued in part two.