Wednesday, September 11, 2019

Scooby-Doo Return To Zombie Island

What....was that?

I mean wow, that was a special kind of bad. I've never seen a truly bad animated Scooby-Doo movie until now. I mean you had the potential to make a funny, creepy, and welcome return to one of the most beloved and influential Scooby-Doo movies ever, and this is what you do with it?? A subpar, tongue in cheek, and completely unoriginal movie? I mean, God guys! There was still stuff I enjoyed but it doesn't amount to a hill of beans in this whacked out movie. The voice cast is just as good as always with the first instance of Kate Micucci voicing Velma for me and I really liked her! The animation is still done very well, in fact every aspect except for story was done well and competently. I'll admit I wasn't getting good vibes from this movie from the start, okay so the gang has shut down Mystery Inc. for what the sixth time, and they're not sure what to do now. Okay strike one immediately, because the gang in this say they never do anything normal and it's always solving mysteries to the point they never talk or know each other all too well, but that's just not true. Sure character interaction hasn't been a major part of the series, but they know who everyone is because their personalities as individuals is clearly spoken through their actions and words, and them not knowing how to do normal stuff is the one that kills me. Because I know for a fact that they never really have searched for mysteries often, very rarely have they went case hunting because the mystery always finds them and they always do normal things before getting whisked away into a new mystery. What do they do you might ask? Well they go to the beach, they go to a dance at a barn, they go to the malt shop and spend time together, and for some new instances, they go to music festivals, they they take cruises, they go to fraking Hawaii! What is this, "We do not know this normal you speak of, we only know the mysterious mysteries to solve" bullcrap?? Strike two hits pretty close after that when the bombshell drops that Fred actually sold the Mystery Machine. For what reason you might ask? Never explained! I thought he still had friggin' PTSD from seeing it blow up in Frankencreepy but I guess in a previous adventure he sold the damn thing so goodbye beloved and classic vehicle! And strike three, you dragged poor Cassandra Peterson to do her Elvira thing cause apparently Vincent Van Ghoul was unavailable, and she has nothing to do. I mean it's kinda hard to bring the appeal and funny personality of Elvira in a kid's movie, when well Elvira isn't exactly family friendly, she can't exactly make dick jokes and have that sultry yet valley girl persona. Now I love Cassandra, she is a funny, talented, and genuinely entertaining lady and when I heard she was going to be in this I was really excited even if it was just a bit part and she's wasted! Christ on the bleedin' cross it's been awhile since I have been this angry. And this all happens in the first...10, maybe 15 minutes of this hour and twenty minute film. Oh it keeps getting dumber! Now I will admit I like that Shag and Scoob made the gang solemnly promise to not solve mysteries at all and go on a vacation, which does lead to some funny stuff with Velma practically having a breakdown since she can't use her intelligence to solve things, but it just further made me feel detached from the story cause the gang doesn't act like their usual selves. But not in a clever way where we learn about their passions and lives much like in the outstanding Mystery Incorporated show, they just don't have anything to do or say and are beyond dull until about the halfway point. Oh my God and the mystery itself, ooh boy here we go. Okay so Mystery Inc. head to totally not Moonscar Island and already suspicious events are taking place, natives telling them to get away, side characters that look almost exactly like the villains from the first movie, and zombies are up and about. Man you're going to think I am bullshitting you straight to your face but here it comes, so the twist's all a movie. The hotel manager is actually a director putting together a film. Does this lead to any cute or funny fourth wall breaks or have a meta sense of humor? Of course not, what were you expecting?!! Oh and the director's name is Alan Smithee. Ha....Ha. The movie still goes on by the way after this, they solve the "mystery" and the movie still has like half an hour left. Now throughout the vacation we actually see a legit cat person stalking our heroes and this made me think oh well they'll actually for really realsies this time actually touch base on the original film and build on the lore previously established. You poor bastard, you had hope for this movie back then. Yeah, they don't do anything with it. They don't explain who it is, how he came to be a cat person like Lena and Simone in the first movie, they pull the trope! They pull the motherf***ing s*** sucking trope of "Oooohhhh he's still out there, another mystery to never solve guys, oooohhhh!!", agggghhhh!!!

Ohh what I'm going to do to the person who wrote this movie.....I'm so angry!! First I'm going to rip their lips out, yeah, that's what I'm gonna do. Then, I'm gonna gouge their eyes out! Yeah....that's what I'm gonna do. And then I'm gonna tear their arms outta the socket! And you wanna know what else? I'm gonna hit em' and they're gonna faaaaallll. And I'm going to look down and I'm gonna laugh...

Whoa. That got heavy.

They didn't even bring back Terror Time Again, you know the one thing everyone remembers from the first movie. They slapped Return To Zombie Island on another Scooby movie, this is not the sequel to Zombie Island. No, no, no, this is another movie that was about halfway made and then the producer kicks the door down and goes, "Alright people change of plans we're making a Zombie Island sequel! Oh you already made half of an original movie already? Well we can squeeze the script in, anyway have fun writing the rest of the movie!", and you know why? So that they could get old school fans like me to watch their horrible movie, to have fans of this franchise who grew up with movies like Zombie Island, and Witch's Ghost to slap down money for their poorly written, Highlander 2 style sequel. But I have fantastic news everybody, the movie doesn't start selling until October 1st at all stores, so spread the word. This movie won't make a dime if it's the last thing I do. You do not screw with my Scooby-Doo movies. You do not slap on a title that has next to nothing to do with the movie you are making, and thusly spit in the face of every fan of the original movie by bait and switching them just so that this horrible excuse for entertainment can make more money. Go to hell.

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