Thursday, January 24, 2019

Bleeding Steel

I can't even say the title with a straight face.

Oh. My. God. This film....oh boy this film. I got nothing. This one of the most outrageous movies I have ever seen, and I loved it. Imagine if you will a really cheesy, batshit insane, full on future cop action movie that though it was made in 2017 would feel right at home in the 80s just with a budget and today's effects. I'm not even sure I can realy the plot but I will try. So Jackie Chan plays a future cop in the futuristic year of 2020, where technology has advanced to the point where a doctor has created practically a Iron Man heart, literally a robo-heart valves and all and Jackie is tasked to protect him from this Darth Malak looking dude and fails quite badly due to his cyber warriors. Oh God I can't breathe! So he has like this militia of guys in these suits that look like if you mixed real state of the art combat gear with the main character in Tron Evolution, and this lady who I swear is a mix of Eva Green and Cate Blanchette in Thor Ragnarok and is literally credited only as The Woman In Black because she wears this leather S&M-esque like clothes with a cape and it is glorious. But you know stuff goes down, 13 years pass, and Jackie has been watching over a girl that has the interest of literally every person on the street including our villains, like I swear this poor girl cannot catch a break, she is harassed by every dick on the street and then gets chased by said Woman In Black, and she meets this....guy, just this guy who is trying so hard to be a badass cool guy, and it, it doesn't work. At all. But he's really damn funny. And they fight robo-dudes and shit, and fight to save the day. I just, guys, this movie is bonkers. I mean it is really out there and it is quite possibly the most entertaining movie I will watch this year. I have never had so much unadultered pure fun like this movie. I'm not even sure it's to that so bad it's good point, it's just in it's own league. Oh sweet merciful Christ you need to watch this movie. Like you need to get a group of friends, order some pizza, have some drinks, and watch this movie. You will have the time of your life. I was expecting a fun popcorn flick and I got something infinitely better. I rented this from Redbox and it gave me the option to buy it and....I kinda want to. I would give this movie on a pure subjective view a 7 or maybe even 8/10, this movie is genius. Objectively, it's like a 6 or a 5 but honestly who even cares. Do you go into a movie called BLEEDING STEEL if you want a truly good worthwhile movie to add to the list of some of the best films you've seen? Of course not, why would you even do that? That would just be silly. If I saw this back then I would have unironicaly put it on my top 10 list, I have completely lost my damn mind. Fantastic movie, do not think about it and just watch it, see this is why Jackie is still my man! Nothing is topping this ever, I love you, goodnight!!

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