Willow (1988)

Magic! We're back!



A very upbeat proper start to 2023 with Willow, the 1988 Lucasfilm fantasy cult classic. Now I've had the most tenative exposure to Willow, more in passing or brief reference without knowing at all what the plot was, who the characters were, or anything so I walked in with 99% virgin eyes. The story involves a Nelwyn farmer named Willow who discovers a little baby girl named Elora who has ties to a prophecy to overthrow an evil sorceress named Bavmorda, as he sets off to find the child a safe haven where he soon meets rogue swordmaster Madmartigan who joins his quest as they come into contact with enemy forces, magic wielders, and mythological creatures to protect the child and defeat evil. In my opinion an excellent introduction to high fantasy for children taking elements of Dungeons & Dragons, Lord Of The Rings, Star Wars (George Lucas executive produced and helped write the story), I even saw bits of The Black Cauldron in there. It's 80s fantasy in it's purest and most non-exploitative form, which sucks honestly because fantasy films were box office poison in the 1980s. At best genre films at that time were cult classics like The Princess Bride or perhaps Labyrinth to a lesser extent, and at worst you got stuff like the Deathstalker movies and Beastmaster 2. Even with Lucasfilm, ILM, and a succesful director in Ron Howard the movie only did okay. It's no redefining of a classic story or incredibly introspective in writing, it's just a lot of fun. Warwick Davis does such good work in this and the fact that George wrote this specifically with him in mind while they were filming Return Of The Jedi shows a lot about his character and openess to such roles. He's never looked down on roles in a fantastical genre and loves doing them a lot and I got respect for the guy. Val Kilmer as Madmartigan friggin' kills it in this movie, his comedic timing and personality of being this guy who you know is kinda full of shit but he's just so goddamn charming you don't even care, makes him endlessly entertaining every minute he's on screen. Joanne Whalley as Sorsha, for essentially being a heel turned babyface who slips into a romantic role has that energy and expression where it doesn't feel forced or slapdash, and she just rocks that sunkissed orange hair. Jean Marsh as evil sorceress Bavmorda though not all that much on screen really you can tell she is having a great time, she hams it up just enough to where it's not over the top but dramatic in power as any evil magic wielder should be, and I can't belive it didn't click for me at all she was Morgaine in classic Doctor Who with the Seventh Doctor in Battlefield. I think everybody knew from the director on downwards they were making a fun little fantasy movie but they wanted to make it as good as possible which is evident throughout. Some of these scenery shots were unbelievably amazing, the special effects for the creatures go from simplistic costuming to impressive stop motion effects that hold up pretty solidly today, the costume design is so rustic medieval I adore it so, the battle scenes go on just long enough to where you're not getting bored and you're not craving more, and how the story progresses is engaging. I was even surprised how funny the movie was, it has a more subdued sense of humor, it's not trying to make you laugh out loud but still succeeds in places. I know there are a fair few people who watched it and probably didn't get too much out of it, like I said it's not trying to reinvent the wheel here, but I totally get the fanbase's love and appreciation for it's simplistic, charming, high fantasy story that can be enjoyed by all ages. Hell I'm an advocate for 80s fantasy, I dare say it was the best decade for movies of this genre though the 90s had it's moments, so of course I enjoyed it a great deal. Just wander into this world and soak it up, you may be surprised how much you like it. For me I give it 3.5 stars, 8/10, and the series of the same name is up next!

How The Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)

Doug was severely on top form with his review of this movie.

And entirely correct too. Yes, the Jim Carrey Grinch movie isn't held highly in my eyes. But why you might be asking? Well there is surprisingly some stuff I really like. Jim Carrey looks just like The Grinch, the make up and suit allows so much expression and movement which of course is a big part of Jim's performance. I really like Taylor Momson as Cindy Lou she is absurdly cute, and makes up the only decent person in Whoville. The art direction really nails that Seuss style of drawing, and there is an incredible amount of sets and practical effects. But with every positive I noted there is negative connotations with it. Carrey plays an eccentric grump, and does have his funny moments but only when he acts like a jerk. When he's being Jim Carrey in a green suit, it's not distracting but it's not good. Cindy Lou Who has Christmas doubts because well, Whoville is filled with materialistic and commercial assholes. A town that loved the spirit of Christmas? I guess that was too hard to believe! God help me. Though they brought the world of Whoville to the realm of the 3rd dimension, it doesn't all work, sure the buildings and props look all fine and well but the Who's themselves look freaky as hell! Mainly because in animation if a character has no upper lip, it can work but if a character in the real world has no upper lip it looks disturbing. And while we're on the subject of Who's they're not doing well as a society, the city looks smoggy and kinda dingy with no real burst of color anywhere, as I said the Who's are heavily delved into commercialism and care nothing more than to get their presents on Christmas day, and the fact that I don't think they care what happens in their town, kids run with hacksaws, people fall and get in wrecks, they don't care about delinquet behavior. Do you see why I have such issue with this movie? It entirely misses the point of the story. I heard some people bitch about Cumberbatch's Grinch because they softened him up, he doesn't hate Christmas or the Who's, he acts more like a millenial adult with emotional support animals etc., and he acts somewhat nice to his dog and Cindy. Okay first off, he's a dog owner so he wasn't a total jerkface, he had nice moments in here too like saving Cindy from being crushed and not running over a woman and her baby carriage, so they can get off my planet. I still prefer it to this! Oh my God, it's like every time I think I ran out of stuff to hate, it just. Keeps. Going. I counted 3 moments that Dr. Seuss would roll in his grave for! The face plant in a woman's chest, an explosion a la' Michael Bay occured, and the worst offense, the Grinch lets his dog be kissed on the rear. I honestly want to eat cyanide laced gingerbread men after typing that. I want to give up on life. Ron Howard, what the **** have you wrought??! I'm done! **** it!! This movie is garbage, it's ass sauce, this is the worst Christmas movie I ever saw in my life!!! It's proof that Jesus was crucified for nothing and legally changed his middle name to ****ing!! A few funny moments and one genuinely nice lovely moment cannot change the fact this is garbage that should be taken to the summit of Mt. Krumpit to dump it.

In Retrospect: Solo

It's always a good day when I watch a Star Wars movie.

I am severely disappointed in anybody who boycotted this movie, this is a fine movie. It's the western Star Wars movie I wanted and it did good by sticking to the lore and making a fun adventure movie. Yes I still take slight issue with L3 but not as harsh as before, and Enfys Nest still brings my piss to a boil but that's only 1 bad thing and one slight annoyance in a really good Star Wars movie. I got even more of a very young Harrison Ford in Alden's performance this time around and he did fine work. I doubt Disney would ever do a sequel but at the very least we should have a Lando movie cause let's face facts, Donald Glover is the man. He is so cool, funny, and has an oustanding screen chemistry with Alden that I wouldn't mind seeing a movie with Lando out on one of his outlandish adventures! Maybe not to how he acquired Cloud City but a completely original adventure like this movie. I have no issue saying I bought this movie with pride and excitement to see it again and have set a high note for the day ahead. True I wanted some more Imperial might but what we got was great and I fully understood why we got less Imperial action in this movie. Disney I swear, you either make Star Wars Empire or you make a film dedicated to the glory of the Galactic Empire because I do not share your optimistic appraisal of the Rebel Alliance, I am most displeased with your apparent lack of progress. I hope you do so for your sake, The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am.

Solo

Huh. Well that went well.

You know, for a movie that absolutely no one including myself either wanted or had any faith in....it's a good movie guys. Is it great? No. Is it the best Star Wars movie I have seen? Absolutely not, I rank it above The Force Awakens but just below Last Jedi. But it surprisingly hit the mark I wanted, they made it a western. Not outright, but they took concepts of western movies and tweaked it to fit in the Star Wars universe. Rogue-ish hero loses the woman he loves, meets a band of outlaws, performs a train robbery, meets the villain, gets in contact with a suave smuggler, essentially performs a gold heist for the villain, only to culminate in a final fight, peppered with action scenes and double crosses throughout the whole film. That's pretty much how it goes, and I do enjoy it. The action is good but mostly like in a western, most of it deals with planning, build up, and talking but it works. The characters are, kinda hit and miss. Alden Ehrenreich is a good young Han Solo, he's not full on Harrison Ford but you can see it. Within the film, the mythos work for Han Solo, I believe this is how his story went. Donald Glover said all of 2 lines then I was sold that he was Lando, he was great. Emilia Clarke (who I just remembered is the dragon chick from Game Of Thrones) is...decent, but her character was just sorta there. Woody Harrelson didn't take the mentor role like we thought, he just sees potential in Han and hires him, so he did well. But I won't lie, the movie has issues but not movie breaking issues, just stuff that really annoyed me. The bad part is, there's no real villain. That cool viking looking dude completely shit the bed, I'm so tempted to reveal this twistb you guys are gonna love it! So this really cool guy, who can handle himself in a fight and leads a group of pirates is, get this.....a 14 year old girl. Are you dead sucking ferious? This short ass, freckled, curly haired girl who hasn't even hit her first period is leading a group of maurauders?? Kiss the darkest part of my pale white ass! But wait, there's more! L3-37. Okay. *RANT INCOMING* To fully grasp my issue with this character, I need to divulge something. I am part of a Star Wars group on Facebook, and quite a few, not all, but a few are these jackasses that throw terms like feminist, feminazi, SJW, and cuck around like it's candy. They cannot get off their high horse and just agree that women can do buisness and that Disney is shoving girls down our throat at every turn. Now they are semi-correct. Episode 7, we got Rey and people still bitch about Rey. Rogue One, we got Jyn and not many people complained. Star Wars Battlefront 2 we got Iden Versio, and I have severe issues with her but not because she was a woman but because she was a TRAITOR!! Episode 8, we got Rose and apparently I was the only one who liked her. Now in Solo, we got L3-37, who is without a shadow of a doubt the most annoying, brazen, and insufferable social justice warrior character. And it was funny cause when I heard her voice I was like "Oh hi Phasma, guess you needed to actually do something huh?", it's not really Phasma but it does sound like her. I don't know I just get the feeling that, 20 years down the road people are going to look back at movies from about 2015 to whenever these gender issues are resolved, and just wonder what the hell we were on about. People never get this, but the whole feminist thing is going to date certain movies badly, I'm not saying feminism is bad, but movie studios I feel don't fully get the term and thus date a movie. L3 broke my back, this was the character that made me just quit on girl characters in Star Wars. Iden was bad, but they didn't try anything with her, they just told her story and left. With Emilia Clarke, they told her story and didn't bullshit around. But L3 is equal rights this, and "liberating" minds of droids that. It gets old quick. But the good news is she dies! My point is, stop your political bullshit in movies, especially Star Wars! Star Wars is above your nonsensical f***ery! Stop it!! *RANT OVER* Anyway, what was I on about? Oh right bad things. There are some contrived scenes. Apparently Han Solo is not Han Solo, his name is just Han. Cause why would we want to just let his name be Han Solo? Oh let's make his last name just a made up name the Empire gave him when he enlisted! Idiots. He meets Chewie in a rancor like pit, apparently wookies eat people. Cause that makes sense! The talks about a rebellion, I mean really? We have Rebels for a damn reason people. But we get a special character near the end, and he makes up for most of the problems I had with the movie. No it's not Thrawn though God knows I wanted it to be.  But anyways, this is a good movie! It has slight issues but I can get over it (mostly) and you should go see it. And this is my sacrificial lamb for the Kenobi movie which has appeased the Disney gods and pre-production has started on it! Huzzah!