Well I was going to do all the the next generation Star Trek movies, but they got taken off so the lesson of today boys and girls is, always take the initiative or you may lose your chance. Now I have to talk about Deathstalker.
This movie....uh, it's not good. I knew the reputation of this film for probably about a decade but I saw this along with other complete cult fantasy hits, so I decided what the heck let's have some fun. Now you certainly don't have to watch this movie, it's Z-grade sleazy trash but in the right mindframe you can have a bit of a good time just poking fun at the movie and it's absurdities. We all see different types of movies, and the movies you watch should reflect your personality and your preferences, you watch the movies that make you happy and very soon you too will experience the joy of moviegoing. Now that we've made a happy little intro, let's do it. I'll admit I wasn't expecting greatness from the beginning but there were elements of this movie that were better than I expected. It's still garbage, but it's entertaining garbage. The film was made for two reasons, to see fools get cut up real good and to see bewbs. Lots of bewbs. When a movie has already shown a flash of nudity, unnecessary nudity at that, not even 3 minutes into the film you know you're in for a ride. The plot is about as cookie cutter as you can get with this fine haired, muscle bound swordsman tasked with defeating an evil wizard and reclaiming three items of power. There you go, there's the plot. Tolkien wishes he could write like this. I haven't seen many exploitation movies in my time, but I'm taking a real good stab in the dark that this is what it's like. Our main character, I refuse to call a man who forces himself onto women almost constantly a hero, is a complete jackass but Rick Hill has a bit of fun with it and has a modicrum of skill with a sword so I'll give him a few points. Deathstalker meets up with another warrior played by Richard Brooker who you may know better as Jason Voorhees in Friday The 13th Part 3, who kind of fits that more chivalrous warrior for the most part. Easily my favorite character was the badass warrior woman played by Lana Clarkson who may be the first to take the mentality of, well if guys can run around shirtless stabbing people in the heart I sure can too, and she even got her own spin off movie which is pretty rad. I think the only reason she was my favorite is because literally every guy in this movie is a pig, and that includes a straight up pig man, I mean it is shameless in it's view of women. Now am I saying that there wasn't a period of human history when women were nothing but trophies and essentially sentient sex toys? No, it no doubt occured but I just felt really unclean and uncomfortable at times with how much this movie comes close to full spank material. I mean the movie knows what it is and revels in it but sweet Jesus. Anyway, back to the characters. Bernard Erhard actually does a good job as the evil wizard who honestly reminds me a lot of Mondain from the first Ultima game, even the tattoo is similar to one you see in Serpent Isle. And for all 1 of you who understood what the hell I was talking about, I'm gonna stop waving my geek flag and get back to the review. But yeah, even though the characters are as basic as could be, the performances aren't all terrible and you could tell they did try. The action isn't amazing but even I have to admit the kills were brutal at times, though the special effects aren't exactly Tom Savini levels of quality. Best part of the movie period was the soundtrack, I was really not expecting anything even noticeable about the music in this movie, but it's pretty damn awesome and I was digging the hell out of it man! It's a mixed bag for sure, the film is trash undeniably but has some decent elements to it here and there. It's a movie you will only watch once but it is an experience I don't think you'll forget, even if you're drunk. And the film just barely clocks in past an hour and fifteen minutes, so it's mercifully short if nothing else. I still can't believe Roger Corman produced this, I know the man is a champion of financing low budget and independent films to make sure they get a decent release, but good lord. 1.5 stars, 4/10, 650th review coming tomorrow.